Voices

    

  I don't know how, but I definitely need to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. There's too many of them, clouding and webbing up neurons of my brain—one by one. 

    The truth is: I've been hearing voices. 

There's no way to end all this unless you die

    it's behind you, it's chasing you—always

kill yourself. kill yourself and end it all for everyone else, too.

it's easy as one step....end the torture

you know what? just fucking pull the tr—

    The voices that latch themselves onto my spine without my permission, grapple my heart and squeeze it tight. The voices that are slowly snacking on my bone marrow, are now waiting for me to crumble just so they could feast on my mind, on my head that will soon be nothing but a skull of sloppy, tissues-like jelly, blood, and dirt. 

    So many times I have let those voices win. They were never there for me when I'm at my weakest, they're only there to make me my weakest. The last time I heard them was a few weeks ago, and I let them win over, let their nails drag across my skin into symmetrical cuts, like a red barcode. Fifteen, sixteen, left arm, right thigh...I don't remember—I don't keep track of it anymore. 

    This time could've been like every other, except for the part where it couldn't. My arms and thighs are not bleeding anymore, but...something definitely feels like it's bleeding. Probably my brain. These voices are too loud and raspy that they seem to shred apart a few of my nerves at a time. Sometimes, I just want to pry open that complex web of veins and pull them all out at once. I bet it'd look like a fishnet, but pulsing and screaming under my touch. I'm returning to my room from the balcony now, the sky red as blood and smells gently of water. Wait, water?... Water. In my brain. Already rotting up every single thing in me even if the closest body of water is a ten minutes drive away. 
    Today, I'm obedient to the voices' commands as I have always been.

    "Pen, paper. Put it down on the table.

    Great, now tell them you love them and apologize. Don't forget to hide everything else, because they're only supposed to see your pretend exterior and not your heart that's now a pile of mush.

    Done? Okay. Set it on your bed where your past sufferings would be on constant display for the ones that you have passed on the suffering to—at least until they're brave enough to stuff it somewhere else.

    Perfect."

    I licked the envelope and set it onto my desk. Then, I went to fetch my candy tin. The candy tin. One in which I have kept my razor blade, stained with blood. It is not to be seen under any circumstances, for I know that it would cause everyone else more despair than they will have to the moment they walk into this rotted room of mine. The tin is tucked away in a box. I keep all of my writings and pages of journaling in there. I keep, too, everything that was given to me by the ones that I love. Now that I'm leaving, they might be of no use anymore. 

    "Ready? Okay, good...good."

    The voice pulled me out of my house. Usually, they would only pull me out for a smoke or two, but tonight, we're going far. I took a long walk under the blue-black sky, not listening to anything but the sound of cars passing by and pedestrians' conversations. I could barely function with my headphones on, but hey, it seems like a nice night, so I shouldn't waste the world's gossipping. 

"My son got into college. The tuition is so high. Do you think I'd need to sell that acres of land?"

"No, I told you. We're breaking up."

"I heard she killed herself the other day..."

She killed herself.

     I passed the city's noises and entered its twilight zone—a suburban filled with garbage, a deafening silence, and the non-stop thrumming of water in my ears. Suburban feels like an overstatement because this place is only twenty-minutes away from downtown. It feels like a completely different world at night, tho. No people, no loud music or decorative lights, just dead dreams and used syringes. This place is where I have attempted a year ago but was too scared to actually do it. I'm back now...with enough voices telling me to do it. Closing my eyes, the earth suddenly feels too familiar underneath my feet. It is the same stable, rocky cement that has guided me through years with sunshine above my head. Now it stands the same way it was, bathing under the moonlight like it has always done. The only difference is: after today, this path would never heard of my name or feel my footsteps ever again. I guess it doesn't mind. It's supporting my weight as I hauled myself up over the bridge's railings, anyways. 

    It took me a good few minutes, but now I'm standing stably on the slippery steel railing. The world now feels the most vivid ever since I was born. I closed my eyes, letting the wind brush my skin and the voices whisper into my ears. 

"What if you just jumped? Right here right now. Just do it. It'll all be over. The pain. It'll all be over if you just jump." 

"You have a point, but...what would everyone else think? Ain't I too careless?" I muttered under my breath, knowing that this would be the last few echoing of my voice on this Earth. 

"Your family will get so much off of their shoulders if you just die right now, you know? They never say it, but your tuition and even therapy sessions cost a shit lot. You don't deserve them at all. You're not good enough for your family or the world of even yoursel—"

    Before they could finish, I leaped off of the railings and into the flowing depth of water underneath.

    SPLASH

    My body fell like a canon and rippled across the water's surface. Its coldness wrapped around me faster than I thought. 

"FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

    I coughed, fighting hard to try and push myself back up. This is a moronic idea. I'm dying. I really am. But just a minute later, I immediately went numb, water fighting its way into my lungs and heart and stomach. It tastes like soil, mud, disappointment...it tastes like every other dead bodies that has been here and will be here. 

    In that quick few minutes, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

    My first day of primary school

    Mom's cookies and Dad's CD player

    My first time at the zoo

    My first crush

    My first dream. I wanted to be a doctor so I can save everyone else, because the doctor we had couldn't save my parents.

    The orphanage. My foster parents.

    Middle school, my bullies, teachers who put all the blame on me because they were too blinded my bribers.

    High school. My first boyfriend. That night at his party. My first vape. The first scars from razor blades on my arms

    College. My first job. The moment I realized that I am nothing but a shadow. The yellow lights of my therapist's office. My first attempt.

    So much, yet the voices have suddenly disappeared.

    I want to cry so bad. Cry about my impotence to the bullies' cruel jokes. Cry about my parents—an early greeting to the dead ones, and an apologetic farewell to the ones living. Have they discovered my suicide note? Cry about the day my sun exploded and left my life a blind darkness. Cry for all those times the razor had cut through my skin. Just cry for myself because there's no one who would mourn me, if the world even realizes that I'm gone at all.

    My eyes slowly zipped close. 

    Then I sink

and sink

and sink...

    Then everything ended. 

   

*************

I don't like this.